The Art of Detachment

Why You Cant Relax And How To Finally Switch Off

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that doesnt come from long hours alone.

It comes from never really leaving work.

You might walk through your front door. Sit on the sofa. Have dinner with your partner. Even laugh with friends. But part of your brain is still on shift. Replaying conversations. Thinking about tomorrow. Wondering what you missed. Running worst case scenarios just in case something goes wrong while you are not paying attention.

You feel tired, but you cant rest.

For a long time, I thought this was just part of caring. Part of being responsible. Part of leadership. I believed that if I truly cared about my business and the people in it, then switching off wasnt an option. Rest felt like something you earned once everything was handled.

The problem is that in business and in life, things are never fully handled.

There is always another email. Another decision. Another potential issue. So if rest is treated as a reward for finishing everything, you never actually get to rest.

This is where burnout begins.

When I was going through the worst of my burnout, my personal life suffered quietly. I felt detached when socialising, convinced that people couldnt really understand what I was carrying. I felt distant from my wife in a way I couldnt explain. Gratitude and happiness felt muted, like emotions I remembered rather than felt.

Sleep didnt fix it. I would lie awake exhausted while my brain refused to let go. Conversations replayed. Problems multiplied. Even when I slept, I woke up tense, already bracing for the day ahead.

At the time, I thought I was just tired. What I didnt understand was that my nervous system never felt safe enough to stand down.

Burnout is not just about effort. It is about mental load.

Your brain is designed to hold onto unfinished tasks. Psychologists call this the Zeigarnik Effect. Unfinished work stays active in your mind because your brain believes remembering equals protection. It holds onto open loops to stop you forgetting something important.

That might be useful in short bursts. It becomes destructive when the work never really ends.

Every unresolved task sits quietly in the background. Every conversation you havent closed. Every decision you are postponing. Your brain keeps them alive, just in case. Over time, this creates constant low level stress that never fully switches off.

That is why sleep alone doesnt solve burnout. You can sleep and still wake up wired. You can sleep and still feel like you never really recovered. If your nervous system doesnt feel safe, it doesnt down regulate, even during rest.

Learning to detach is not about caring less. It is about learning how to put work down so your system can recover.

For me, that started with building a shutdown ritual. Something intentional that told my brain the workday was finished.

The first part was a simple brain dump. Writing everything that was looping in my head. Not to fix it. Not to organise it perfectly. Just to get it out. I would write the three most important things for the next day and any worries that were repeating. Once they were on paper, my brain didnt have to carry them anymore.

The second part was a physical signal. Changing clothes as soon as I got home. Going for a short walk. Washing my hands and face. Something physical to mark the transition. The brain responds to action more than intention.

The third part was a phone boundary. This was the hardest. My phone was a constant portal back into stress. Messages reopened loops instantly. Putting my phone away for the first hour of being home wasnt avoidance. It was protection.

At first, detachment felt uncomfortable. Even wrong. Guilt crept in. Fear of missing something. Fear of losing control. That discomfort wasnt a sign I was doing something bad. It was a sign that my identity had been tied to being needed.

When your worth is linked to output, rest feels unsafe.

The deeper shift came when I realised this simple truth. I am not my output. My value doesnt disappear just because I am resting. Detachment didnt make me a worse leader. It made me calmer, more present, and more capable of thinking clearly instead of reacting from stress.

Detachment is not switching off from responsibility. It is switching off from survival mode.

If you find yourself physically leaving work but mentally staying there, you are not broken. You have just never been taught how to put work down properly.

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to be present. You are allowed to be more than what you produce.

You matter too. Dont forget that.