How to Lead a Team Without Losing Your Identity
When you first start out in hospitality leadership, you think the biggest challenge will be running the venue.
Keeping the wheels turning. Keeping the customers happy.
Keeping the cash flow moving.
And sure, those things are tough.
But the real challenge?
Keeping yourself.
When you’re the boss, you carry everything—responsibility, pressure, expectations, the unspoken emotional labour of holding it all together.
And somewhere along the way, without even noticing, you start fading a little bit.
You become the fixer. The shield. The one who’s “fine” no matter what.
You show up, you deliver, you handle it—and slowly, your own needs, identity, and even your joy get pushed to the side.
I know, because I lived it.
The Slow Fade You Don’t Notice Until It’s Too Loud to Ignore
When I first built my business, I was proud to be the “go-to” person.
The one the staff could rely on.
The one customers loved.
The one who stayed calm when everyone else panicked.
It felt good at first.
Like I was doing it right.
But over time, something shifted.
I stopped doing the things I loved outside of work.
Stopped seeing friends.
Stopped caring about anything that didn’t feel “productive.”
I started measuring my worth by how much I could endure.
Eventually, I wasn’t showing up as “Trevor” anymore.
I was just showing up as “the boss.”
And the weight of it nearly broke me.
Signs You’re Losing Yourself as a Leader
You might not realise it at first.
Because on the surface, everything looks fine.
But underneath, you might notice:
You constantly second-guess your own decisions, even small ones.
You apologise for setting boundaries—or avoid setting them at all.
You feel like you have to be “on” 24/7, even on your days off.
Your emotional reactions feel numb or muted.
You struggle to enjoy personal time without feeling guilty.
You can’t remember the last thing you did just for yourself, without thinking about the business.
If any of that feels familiar—you’re not alone.
And it doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It just means you’re overdue to reconnect to the person behind the leadership role.
Why Hospitality Leadership Makes This Even Harder
In hospitality, the lines between personal and professional are messy.
You lead teams made of young, energetic, emotional people.
You deal with high-pressure, fast-turnaround situations.
You’re visible—always “on stage” to your staff and customers alike.
And the culture often glorifies overworking as a badge of honour.
It’s no wonder so many leaders in our industry lose themselves without meaning to.
We’re wired to serve. To give. To fix.
And no one tells you where the healthy stopping point is.
How I Started Finding My Way Back
It didn’t happen overnight.
It wasn’t a fancy retreat or a book or a course.
It was a lot of small, uncomfortable, but necessary shifts.
Here’s what helped:
I started saying “No” without over-explaining.
If something wasn’t aligned with the bigger vision—or my wellbeing—I learned to decline it without guilt.I created leadership boundaries—and stuck to them.
Office hours. Communication cut-offs. Clear escalation paths for staff issues.
(Not every problem needed me at 10pm on a Sunday.)I protected personal time like a business asset.
If I’m drained, my leadership suffers. Protecting my energy is protecting the business.I worked on separating my identity from my role.
I’m not just the owner. I’m Trevor.
A husband. A creator. A friend.
And keeping that intact makes me a better leader—not a weaker one.
A Quick Exercise You Can Try This Week
Here’s something simple, but powerful:
Write two lists:
Who you are as a person (values, passions, personality)
What you do as a leader (tasks, responsibilities, roles)
Then look at them side by side.
If they’re starting to blur too much—if your whole identity is wrapped around your business—it’s a sign to start reinforcing some space between them.
You’re more than what you manage.
You’re more than what you produce.
And your leadership will only get stronger the more connected you are to yourself.
Where to Start Rebuilding Yourself
You don’t have to reinvent your life overnight.
You don’t have to quit your job, move to a beach, or “find yourself” in some dramatic way.
You can start with small things:
Protect your mornings
Say no to something that drains you
Spend one hour a week on something that lights you up personally
Join spaces where you’re seen as a human, not just a leader
Want Support As You Reconnect?
Inside my free Skool community, I’ve created resources designed for leaders just like you.
Boundary-Setting Scripts and Planners
Weekly Reset Tools
Burnout Red Flag Checklists
Journaling templates for leadership clarity
And a private space to actually talk about this stuff—with people who understand
If you’re ready to lead well—without losing yourself in the process—come join us.
[Join the Skool Community Here] (Link launching in May 2025)
You carry a lot.
You deserve the tools and support to carry it well.
You matter too. Don’t forget that.